As with the other Emmuska Orczy Scarlet Pimpernel books I’ve read thus far, Lord Tony’s Wife did not disappoint me in its entertainment value. This is a novel placed during the French Revolution and decidedly pro-aristocracy, but political leanings aside this novel—along with the others of its genre—is good, hyperdramatic, swashbuckling fun. And because of this, it's also extremely fun to summarize, hence the "sweded" drama below.
In this installment, one of our hero the Scarlet
Pimpernel’s sidekicks, Sir Tony, takes center stage with his love, Yvonne. But,
as with almost all Pimpernel novels,
the cunning, daring, proto-Batman legend plays a pivotal role. Also back for
more punishment is the Pimpernel’s sworn enemy Chauvelin. As their
cat-and-mouse game continues, poor Tony and (not really a spoiler alert) his
wife end up as pawns while the dogged Chauvelin once again tries to trap his nemesis.
Our story begins with Pierre Adet, fiery revolutionary and
son of the decent local miller, stirring up a mob to go after the local
aristocrat, le duc de Kernogan. Just as the reader begins to hear the “Kill the
Beast” song from Beauty and the Beast,
along comes a carriage, driven by faithful servant Jean-Marie, and conveniently
carrying the duc’s only child, the beautiful and headstrong Yvonne:
Scene 1
YVONNE: Jean-Marie! Why have we stopped here?
JEAN-MARIE: Because I just got a tipoff that there’s a mob
at the crossroads.
YVONNE: So?
JEAN-MARIE: They have scythes and spades and axes.
YVONNE: What’s your point?
JEAN-MARIE: I think we should send a scout to see what’s
going on.
YVONNE: So what you’re saying is you’re afraid of a few
murderous bloodthirsty revolutionaries.
JEAN-MARIE: Yup.
YVONNE: Jean-Marie, that’s silly! I’m the proud and
feisty daughter of the local aristocrat and therefore have nothing to fear
from such aristocrat-hating scum. Take me home, Jeeves!
JEAN-MARIE: But my lady…
YVONNE: If you don’t take me home you are disobeying my
orders and therefore should just go join those rebels! Also, I will fire you.
JEAN-MARIE: Fine. But don’t get mad when…
PIERRE: Oh ho ho, what do we have here?
JEAN-MARIE: Nothing. Just me and some random anonymous
non-aristocrat person taking an evening cruise suspiciously in the direction of
the de Kernogan estate.
MOB: It’s totally de Kernogan’s carriage! Let’s see who’s
inside!
YVONNE: Hum, I’m starting to think that maybe my cowardly
servant was right.
MOB: It’s de Kernogan’s daughter! Let’s throw her into the
mud like her kind has done to our people all this time!
YVONNE: Yeahhhh definitely starting to regret my pride and
fearlessness.
PIERRE *breaking into
the carriage* I’ve got you, my pretty!
YVONNE: EEEK YOU’RE LIKE THE DEVIL HIMSELF *faints*
JEAN-MARIE: I’m getting outta here! *drives away* Hum that wasn’t as hard as I thought. I wonder why I
didn’t just drive full speed through the mob, to begin with? Oh well, I’m sure
this little incident will have no long-lasting consequences….
DE KERNOGAN: What do you mean, my daughter was assaulted by
that rascal Pierre Adet? Where is he? I’ll teach him to react as if I’m a cruel and
merciless master! He will die!
JEAN-MARIE: They can’t find him, milord. He’s gone into
hiding.
DE KERNOGAN: Why’d he do such a cowardly thing as that? Now
I have to kill his dad in vengeance.
JEAN ADET: But I tried to get him to stop his revolutionary
ways! I’m the only decent guy in Nantes aside from Jean-Marie!
DE KERNOGAN: Sorry Adet, but we here in Nantes have a One
Jean Limit.
JEAN-MARIE: Thanks, milord…
DE KERNOGAN: Shut up. Alright, as your local aristocrat and
completely coincidentally your justice of the peace, I hereby find Jean Adet
guilty of treason and sentence him to be hanged. I highly doubt his violent and
emotionally unstable son will try to take vengeance in any way…
Scene 3
PIERRE: I, Pierre Adet, have spent the better part of four
years on the run, slowly building up a fortune and creating a Count of Monte
Cristo persona in order to enact an overly complicated scheme of vengeance!
CHAUVELIN: You probably shouldn’t talk so loud now that
we’ve made it to England. The Scarlet Pimpernel has eyes and ears everywhere…
PIERRE: Shut up, Chauvelin. Everyone knows you don’t know what
you’re doing.
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Secretly I am under this table at
the inn where these suspicious French immigrants are staying.
CHAUVELIN: Sh! Did you hear something?
PIERRE: Only you being paranoid.
CHAUVELIN: I’m telling you, Adet….
PIERRE: Don’t call me that! My name is Martin-Roget!
CHAUVELIN: Annnd now the Scarlet Pimpernel knows your
alias.
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: If you’re so intent on getting this thorn in the
Republic’s side, why don’t you reveal his identity? I’m assuming you know it.
CHAUVELIN: I do. But I’m not going to tell you.
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: I don’t think you really know it.
CHAUVELIN: I do!
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: You don’t.
CHAUVELIN: I totally do. But you are just some one-dimensional mustache-twirling villain and not worthy of knowing the name of my nemesis. Only I am allowed to go after him
and catch him, and then you’ll be sorry!
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: All this talk of the mythical Scarlet Pimpernel is
distracting me from my schemes of revenge! Allow me to tell you in detail my
entire plot!”
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL (STILL EAVESDROPPING): Yesss do tell.
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: I thought you’d never ask.
CHAUVELIN: Um, I didn’t say anything.
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: I have cultivated a Count of Monte Cristo alias,
Martin-Roget, and become rich and powerful and well-liked…
CHAUVELIN: Well-liked? Really?
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: Well, at least rich and powerful. Now I have
followed my prey, de Kernogan and his daughter, to their refuge in England,
where I will gain their trust, marry Yvonne, get them to go on this boat with
me, take them back to Nantes, reveal my true identity, and just when they’re
super embarrassed that these high and mighty aristos have accidentally married
a low-born miller’s son, I’ll have them drowned in the river! Isn’t it
brilliant?
CHAUVELIN: Sure, if this Yvonne isn’t already married…
Scene 4
DE KERNOGAN: My daughter, I think you should marry this
strapping young Martin-Roget fellow, because not only is he rich but he is also
French, which is more than I can say about these Englishmen.
YVONNE: Actually, Dad, I was thinking that Martin-Roget gives
me the creeps and I’d much rather marry this rich English lord, Anthony
Dewhurst.
MARGUERITE BLAKENEY (SECRETLY MARRIED TO THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL): Here Yvonne, I’ll help you elope.
YVONNE: Thanks. How did you ever get so good at this
sneaking around stuff?
MARGUERITE: What are you saying? Are you saying my husband, Sir Percy, is the Scarlet Pimpernel? And that I’ve gotten so good at keeping his
secret from the world that I easily manage to outsmart overbearing tyrannical
fathers? Is that what you’re saying?
YVONNE: No.
MARGUERITE: Good, because it’s sooo not true. Oh look,
here’s your true love!
YVONNE: Lord Tony!
LORD TONY: …..
YVONNE: Yes, I’ll marry you!
LORD TONY: Mademoiselle Yvonne…
YVONNE: And yes, we’ll run off together!
LORD TONY: ….
YVONNE: I know you’d much rather be above-board with my
dad, but he’s impossible! He wants me to marry this Martin guy who reminds me
vaguely of someone I don’t like.
LORD TONY: I…
YVONNE: So while he’s busy playing cards with the Prince of
Wales and Sir Percy, let’s go! *runs
away*
LORD TONY: …love you.
MARGUERITE: Not really the sharpest sword in this
swashbuckler, are you, Tony? But at least you are extremely rich, handsome, and
pure-hearted beyond all reason. With such assets at your disposal, nothing can
go wrong!...
Scene 5
DE KERNOGAN: EVERYTHING HAS GONE WRONG!
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: What are you ranting about, aristocrat scum—er,
I mean, future father-in-law?
DE KERNOGAN: That’s just it! I can’t be your future
father-in-law. My daughter’s gone and married some English doofus. Look! I
throw the words literally in your face!
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: Ow.
DE KERNOGAN: Don’t be so sensitive. It was a paper letter,
not the Rosetta Stone. Which, by the way, is another thing that the English
stole from the French! ARGH!
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: Didn’t the French steal it from the
Egyptians?
DE KERNOGAN: Don’t be unpatriotic, Martin-Roget. Can’t you
see our plan to have you marry my daughter is ruined?
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: Not so. I don’t recognize these English
marriages as legal. Only French marriages are valid, and even then tend to be ignored. Besides, elopements can be annulled. I’ll still marry your daughter,
mwahahahaha!
DE KERNOGAN: Huh? Why the evil laugh?
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: No particular reason. Now, we just need to plan how to get
your stupid daugh—I mean, the love of my life away from that British interloper….
To Be Continued...
Lovved reading this thanks
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