Romeo and Juliet: An Alternate Version

It is the true mark of tragedy, particularly the literary genre, that the terrible ending is almost always completely avoidable. The saying goes, “But for a horse, the kingdom was lost.” When it comes to Shakespearean pacing, however, it’s not so much a horse that’s missing, as just a few more soliloquys. 

Let’s take Romeo and Juliet, since, as the death of the main characters in any Shakespearean tragedy is a foregone conclusion, I doubt it would cause an uproar if I spoil the ending. 

Most people know the ending of the play, but here is the recap of what happens right before the tears get jerked: Romeo and Juliet, being from two feuding families, have fallen in love and married in secret. Juliet is being pressured by her dad to marry this other guy named Paris, and since she’s gotten married in secret to her father’s mortal enemy she can’t well explain the whole situation. Well, she could. But that would have forced the families to get along without their children’s untimely demise.  Can you imagine the Thanksgivings?* Since this is a tragedy, though, that would be totally ridiculous. So instead Juliet does the only rational thing. She runs away and a Friar helps her fake her death.

At this point I always wonder why Friar Lawrence is so willing to go against the Capulets, when surely he could have turned her in for some sort of reward. A Friar Bounty Hunter would be an interesting character…and now that I’ve said that on the internet this idea will totally be stolen before I can write it myself. Maybe Friar Lawrence did want to hand over Juliet. That’s why he drugged her—and why he knew about death-faking drugs in the first place. I’m pretty sure that is not part of the core curriculum at Friar School.

But I digress.

Romeo meanwhile is not at all kept in the loop. This does not bode well for future marital communication success for these two crazy kids. He’s gotten himself banished, but instead of doing the rational thing and faking his death like Juliet so they can run away to the Poconos**, he goes around getting mugged by Juliet’s cousin Tybalt, letting his best friend Mercutio killed by said Tybalt, then avenging Mercutio’s death by killing said Tybalt himself. And on the way to Juliet’s “tomb” he comes across Paris and kills him for good measure. All in all, he is having a very busy time, so when he gets to Juliet and finds her (mostly) dead, he is not in the right frame of mind to think things through logically. If he had, of course he would have realized he should put a mirror under her nose or something. Or if he had just spoken a few more lamenting couplets, she would’ve woken up anyway.

I like to think it would have happened like this:

ROMEO: Will I set up my everlasting rest,
And shake the yoke of inauspicious stars
From this world-wearied flesh. Eyes, look your last!
Arms, take your last embrace! and, lips, O you
The doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss
A dateless bargain to engrossing death!...*takes a deep breath*

Nose, smell the rose that would be a rose

Even if we called it something else

Toes, wiggle for the last time before thou curlest up

In pain from this undiscloséd poison

Which is real poison

And not to be confuséd with some fake death-causing coma drug.

Moderate halitosis, I cannot say thou shalt be missed by anyone.

Goosebumps…

JULIET: *yawn* That was the best nap ever. So what did I miss  Please don’t tell me you killed my favorite cousin Tybalt.

ROMEO: Sayeth what? You are not demiséd?

JULIET: You did, didn’t you? You killed Tybalt! What did I tell you about killing family members?

ROMEO: Um, it shalt make it awkward at Thanksgiving?

JULIET:  Exactly! Especially since Tybalt was the one bringing the sweet potatoes***

ROMEO: Didst he put the little marshmallows on the top so they got all brown and gooey? Alas! Alack! Those be-est my favorite!****

JULIET: Yes.

ROMEO: Then verily I am most sorry that he is dead. 

JULIET: Now what?

ROMEO: I suppose we have no choice now but to fake our deaths and got to the Poconos to live happily ever after without our crazy feuding families.

JULIET: But won’t they suspect we faked our deaths if they don’t find our bodies?

ROMEO: There’s nothing for it then. We’ll have to drag Paris in, swap clothes, and put acid on his face so he’s unrecognizable and they think it’s me.

JULIET: And what about me?

ROMEO: We’ll do the same to Tybalt, there has to be a bit of family resemblance which will totally fool them.

JULIET: But he’s a man!

ROMEO: We’ll shave him, and in ladies’ dresses they won’t know any difference since this is a Shakespearean play.

Meanwhile

BOUNTY HUNTER FRIAR LAWRENCE: I think I’ve left them alone long enough that Romeo will have killed himself with grief. Now I can collect the reward for this exile returning to Verona, as well as returning that girl to her famil—wait, what? Where did they go? Oh NO they both died! They even left a suicide note: “Dear family we have killed ourselves because of you.  You should feel very guilty about this and mend your ways and stop fighting with each other. XOXO, Romeo and Juliet.” 

…And so Romeo and Juliet lived happily ever after and their families made peace and everything turned out right. Except for the people that died. And Friar Lawrence, of course. 

*Which, being in Renaissance Italy, wouldn’t be called “Thanksgiving,” but you get the idea.

**I looked this up. Since the Americas had been discovered around this point, it is entirely possible Renaissance Italians could’ve run away to the Poconos. 

***Also discovered in the New World and not anachronistic. Except for the marshmallows.

****I couldn’t resist.