The Five Stages of Grief Caused By An Awful, Anachronistic Book Cover

My sister saw them first. We were at the used library book sale that we always go to, every year. We even have our own place where we gloat over sort out our finds before we go to the checkout table.  

I didn't see them because I not only have read all the Anne of Green Gables series by L.M. Montgomery, I used to have the complete set. Later in the sad time of weeding my collection, I got rid of all but the first volume. Because, let's face it, charming as all Montgomery's books are, the Anne books get increasingly fillerific as one progresses through the series, in a case of "Author Is Sick of Characters But Needs Money From Popular Franchise."

So I didn't see these monstrosities of covers because I didn't even see the spines. I wasn't looking to buy any Montgomery novels, and was far too distracted by the five matching volumes of Ogden Nash poetry I found at the same table. 

It was the Vintage table, the very table I always make a beeline for when I'm fresh-out-the-gate at a booksale. And while these covers are "vintage"...well, I feel like someone's definition of "vintage" is vastly different from mine.

Witness, if you will, Anne of Green Gables: The Sixties Update of the Beloved Novels, Set in Edwardian-World War I Canada:

1. Denial

Surely this cover is period-accurate, when you really think about it. I mean, my hair is up in in a bun and everything. And I have a high collar.  Look at the tucks in the bodice! That's gotta be Edwardian, right? Maybe the collar is a little...ah...wide, but maybe Anne goes as wild for wide collars as she does for puffed sleeves! Or maybe Marilla can REALLY not sew. There are tons of possibilities!

2. Anger

Who are you to judge my wispy hair and weird knit blouse? Are you on the cover of this book? No! I'm just the model, people! You don't know me or my life. I need the money to buy books, and if i have to pose for a few anachronistic photos to do it, so help me I WILL. And if you don't like it, I will take you down in the back alley of Barnes and Noble.

3. Bargaining

How about this?  s you can tell from photo #5, these books were originally $5.95. Now you can get them for a dollar a piece. Actually far less, practically free, considering this is a bag sale that is $10 a bag, and we both know you're already three fourth's of a Piggly Wiggly bag full anyway. What's to stop you from just slipping a few of these beautiful volumes in? After all, they are hardcover! You can't get any Anne books in hardcover in stores anymore. And if you could, they'd be like $35 dollars a pop.

4. Depression

You're right. I am scum. I am the sweat of a pig. I am sorry forever.

5. Acceptance

You know what? Who cares if I'm not even a flaming redhead? God gave me this hair, and I am going to ROCK it in bangs and a ponytail. I also have this spankin' cobalt blue turtleneck that Marilla totally couldn't have knitted for me, and BANG I also got a new purse. Haters gonna hate.