Last we left our heroes, Lord Tony (friend and sidekick to the Scarlet Pimpernel himself) and French aristocrat Yvonne de Kernogan in oblivious marital bliss. But Yvonne's British-hating father is intent on having the marriage declared null and void, and marry her off to the rich Frenchman Martin-Roget. Unbeknownst to everyone, Martin-Roget is actually Pierre Adet, a Revolutionary who has sworn revenge against the de Kernogans because of the unjust death of his father...
Scene 6
DE
KERNOGAN: Oh my daughter how I’ve missed you!
YVONNE: Dad? Are you feeling okay? You’re looking all
sentimental and suspiciously not furious with me for marrying an Englishman
against your will. Also, how can you have missed me? It’s only been like 16
hours since I eloped.
DE KERNOGAN: How can you say such hurtful things about your
loving papa? You know I’ve always had your best interest at heart.
YVONNE: So what was all that “You’d better marry
Martin-Roget or else!” stuff?
DE KERNOGAN: I only wanted you to marry Martin-Roget
because he was rich and handsome and French and awesome (although those last
two things are so alike it’s redundant). If I’d known you already had a
boyfriend I would have supported your decision.
YVONNE: I told you I was in love with Lord Tony! And us
getting married should be no surprise to you. After all, look at the title of
this book! I’m Lord Tony’s Wife!
DE KERNOGAN: Still, there was no need to keep this a secret
from your old man, to get married in the middle of the night rather than in
pomp and circumstance! I didn’t even get to give you away at the altar!
YVONNE: Well, Dad, I guess I’ve completely misjudged you on
account of you behaving like a controlling jerk all my life. I’m so sorry! Here,
stay with us for a while and completely ruin our honeymoon.
LORD TONY: I told you we should have gone to Niagara Falls.
DE KERNOGAN: Okay, you’ve talked me into it. But just so
you know, *cough cough* I’m not feeling all that good. You know how frail and
sickly your poor elderly father is, and how close to death…you know what I
think I want to go home and die in my own bed.
YVONNE: Oh no!
DE KERNOGAN: Don’t you worry about me. *cough cough* Weak
and helpless as I am, I can make it home on my own…probably.
YVONNE: Father you can’t go alone! Tony, is it okay if I
escort my father home?
LORD TONY: Sure! What can go wrong?
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: Well hello there!
YVONNE: Martin-Roget? What are you doing here?
DE KERNOGAN: You’re going to marry him, my ungrateful
daughter.
YVONNE: Ummm Dad, are you senile as well as sick? I’m
already married.
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: Details, details.
DE KERNOGAN: Haha, foolish girl, I’m not sick! I was only
pretending. You’ve been conned! And now we’re going to go back to France and
force you to commit bigamy against your will like civilized people.
YVONNE: *jumps out of
moving carriage and tries to run away*
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: That would have looked a lot more epic if she
weren’t wearing a gown with six-foot-wide skirts. *grabs her and pulls her back into the carriage*
DE KERNOGAN: You can’t even run away decently. I am so
ashamed of you.
YVONNE: I’m gonna just pretend to be unconscious now and
hope that this is all a dream.
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: You do that. Meanwhile, we’ll get on board this ship
to go back to Nantes.
YVONNE: I will never be on this ship!
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: I didn’t mean relationship
ship. I meant ship as in boat.
YVONNE: Oh alright that’s different then.
DE KERNOGAN: I know you’re all mad and pouty now, Yvonne,
but believe me, father knows best. You’ll thank me later. Isn’t that right,
Martin-Roget.
MARTIN-ROGET WHO IS REALLY PIERRE: Yeahhhh about that…I was going to wait to surprise
you until after the wedding, but I can’t keep the secret any longer. Voila! I am Pierre Adet, the son of the
innocent miller you killed!
YVONNE: le gasp! You’re the creep who attacked me in the
carriage before! Wow, I really have bad luck with carriages. From now on I’m taking
the bus.
PIERRE: Yes, it is I! And this time, there will be no
escape for you. I’ve got you, my pretty, and your little dad, too!
DE KERNOGAN: But but Martin-Roget! Buddy! Pal! You can’t be
evil! You’re French!
PIERRE: Can’t you get it through your thick aristocrat
head? Martin-Roget was just an alias to gain your trust so you would help me
con your daughter into marrying me in order to have my ultimate vengeance for
the unjust killing of my father! By the way, Yvonne, that offer’s still on the
table.
YVONNE: By the way, Pierre, I’m still married.
PIERRE: Curses! My evil scheme is foiled!
CHAUVELIN (JUST TO REMIND EVERYONE HE'S IN THE BOOK): Good, now I can have a turn.
PIERRE: Ugh you’re still harping on that Scarlet Pimpernel
thing?
CHAUVELIN: Within a day of you and I openly discussing your
evil plan to marry the de Kernogan girl, she up and elopes. Coincidence? I
think not! This can only mean that she has connections to the Scarlet Pimpernel
which make her excellent bait. Yes, my archenemy will try to rescue her, and
get himself trapped for his trouble!
PIERRE: Hey, I have an idea. Let’s have my sister keep
these two captive, and then watch for this so-called Scarlet Pimpernel
to arrive.
CHAUVELIN: Now you’re talking!
Scene 8
PIERRE: Now that we have arrived in Nantes, it's time for me to enlist the evil despot, Governor Carrier, to assist in my dastardly plan of vengeance.
GOVERNOR CARRIER: Hi there.
PIERRE: Ah, um, and by “evil despot” I mean wise and
charismatic leader, of course.
GOVERNOR CARRIER: Of course. Hey, are these two captives of yours
aristos? If so, how come you haven’t thrown them in the
river?
PIERRE: Because I have this overly complicated plot of
revenge against them.
GOVERNOR CARRIER: If you really want revenge against them, how come
you haven’t just shot them or something simple? You’re wasting valuable
taxpayer livres.
PIERRE: Um, because I was going to forcibly marry the girl
here?
GOVERNOR CARRIER: What?
CHAUVELIN: I tried to tell him how dumb that was—
GOVERNOR CARRIER: Shut up, Chauvelin, nobody likes you. That is an
awesome idea, Pierre! You know how I like to force people to marry each other.
Mostly before I drown them. It’s a gruesome, possibly apocryphal historical
anecdote. Don’t Wikipedia it.
PIERRE: What’s Wikipedia?
GOVERNOR CARRIER: My point is, if you have the chance to marry a
blue blood, do it! Nothing helps bring legitimacy to a revolution than forcibly
marrying into nobility!
CHAUVELIN: This makes no sense.
GOVERNOR CARRIER: Chauvelin, if you say another word I will put you
on the next boat down to the bottom of the river.
YVONNE: It doesn’t matter, because even if I wasn’t already
married—which I am, by the way—I wouldn’t marry this cretin.
GOVERNOR CARRIER: Pierre, for some reason I’m giving you 24 hours to
convince her otherwise.
PIERRE: Do you hear that? If you marry me I’ll let you and
your father live, and your father is free to go.
YVONNE: Since my father is the reason I’m in this
situation, and since I would still be held captive by you, this doesn’t seem
like an enticing option.
PIERRE: Fine! Don’t marry me! Not only will you die
tomorrow, I’m also going to take your dad away and put him in a dungeon
somewhere where you won’t be able to see him!
YVONNE: Again, since my dad conned me into leaving the
safety of my husband’s super awesome mansion and enabled you to take me
captive, separating us is not really a punishment. In fact, I hope he
conveniently dies before my husband inevitably rescues me! This is just like
that fake swashbuckler movie they make in Singin’
in the Rain.
PIERRE: No! No! No!
YVONNE: Yes yes yes! Except in that instance the
sweetheart’s name was “Pierre” instead of Tony. But that wouldn’t be
appropriate in this particular circumstance.
PIERRE: That’s it! My sister Louise (who happens to hate you
just as much as I do and also happens to be really good at guarding captive
aristos) is going to hold you captive until you agree to become her
sister-in-law.
LOUISE: I hate you all.
Scene 9
GOVERNOR CARRIER: Now that your archenemy/girlfriend is gone,
I hope you’ve got some intricate and ingenious plan that you didn’t want to say
in front of them.
PIERRE: But of course! In a short while I will have her go
to the local den of iniquity which happens to be really close to my sister’s
house for completely unrelated reasons. Yvonne will think she’s being rescued,
but really she’s being set up. Carrier will have his goons raid the place on
account of it being a den of iniquity and therefore illegal—we Revolutionaries
have high moral standards—and so she’ll be found and arrested and tried for
evil living! HaHA! My revenge will be complete!
CHAUVELIN: That’s an even worse plan than making her get
married to you.
PIERRE: Didn’t Carrier tell you to be quiet?
GOVERNOR CARRIER: True, but in this case he’s right. Your plan
stinks.
PIERRE: Does it? Because when she’s found guilty she’ll be
sentenced to death—our Revolutionary punishments for being found in dens of iniquity
are very strict. Finally, my revenge will be complete!
CHAUVELIN: You already said that. And why don’t you just
shoot her or poison her and get it over with? It’s not like anyone would notice
or care. You could throw her in the river with the other dead bodies.
PIERRE: You’re such a buzzkill. Don’t you want to give the
Scarlet Pimpernel a chance to try to save her and therefore be trapped at last?
CHAUVELIN: Now you’re talking! You know, if you wanted to
go in disguise as the Pimpernel himself, I bet Yvonne would be completely
fooled and follow you to the Rat Mort!
GOVERNOR CARRIER: And if either one of you fails, I will personally see
to it that you pay for your bungling.
LALOUET: Yeah! The Scarlet Pimpernel’s gotta go down! And
if he doesn’t, you guys are going down! Down to the bottom of the river!
PIERRE: Wait, who are you?
CHAUVELIN: The governor's creepy boy sidekick.
PIERRE: Why is he even here?
CHAUVELIN: Weren’t you listening? He’s upping the creep
factor.
PIERRE: True. He is giving me teenage Emperor Nero vibes. But
aside from adding some real historical evilness to this plot, I’m not sure why
he or Carrier is here.
CHAUVELIN: They’re here to give us an incentive to succeed.
Which I didn’t need. Because while their role in the plot is hazy, my role has
never been more straightforward: to capture the Scarlet Pimpernel once and for
all!
YVONNE: Oh Sir Tony, I’ve been your wife almost all this
book but we’ve hardly had any scenes together. Nevertheless how I miss you! I
was so sure you would rescue me somehow, but now it’s been like a week and I’m
starting to doubt you noticed I’ve been kidnapped to begin with!
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Fear not, my lady! I, a complete
stranger who is speaking English with a French accent, am here to take you to
freedom!
YVONNE: You seem really familiar. Oh well, you’re probably
one of Tony’s many French-accented British friends who is here to take me to
him, right?
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Errrr yes. Exactly. You have many
friends. I will take you to them. But you have to promise you won’t question
where I take you even if it is into a murderous den of iniquity, okay?
YVONNE: Sure! That totally seems like something my husband
would do when rescuing me!
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Let’s go! You are super brave.
YVONNE: It’s a good thing you didn’t see me five minutes
ago. I keep fainting whenever the plot finds it more convenient for me to be
carried around like a sack of potatoes rather than walk on my own.
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Here we are, brothel sweet brothel.
YVONNE: Eewwwwww
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: You said you wouldn’t question me!
YVONNE: I wasn’t questioning you. I was judging you. The air in
here is practically toxic with sin and evilness!
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Yep. And this is where I leave you.
YVONNE: What?
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: See? Questioning me again!
YVONNE: It just seems like my husband would have figured
out a better and less dangerous way of rescuing me.
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Maybe he planned this to be dangerous
and creepy because it’s exactly the opposite sort of place you’d ever go to and
therefore the last place anybody will look.
YVONNE: I didn’t think of that.
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: And that is why you are the damsel in
distress in this book. See ya!
MOB PEOPLE: Look at her! She’s obviously an aristo!
YVONNE: Um no I’m not. Look, I’m half starved, I have bags
under my eyes from crying and not sleeping and being stressed out, and also I’m
covered in mud from that time I jumped out of a moving carriage.
MOB PEOPLE: Nope, definitely a noble lady. Let’s turn her
in for some reward!
PIERRE: Hahaha this is great!
MOB PEOPLE: Wait, maybe this is a trap. Instead of acting
as an organized group and getting this aristo girl arrested, let’s have a
barroom brawl amongst ourselves due to paranoia about whether we’re being
watched by the Revolutionary government!
YVONNE: You do that. I’m just going to hide in this
stairwell….
DE KERNOGAN: It’s a trap! Run, daughter!
PIERRE: Too late I locked you in. Can’t have you
accidentally shivved by a random mob person when my elaborate plans dictate you
must drown!
YVONNE: But what about my husband’s friend?
PIERRE: And the Oscar goes to…moi! Moihahahaha!
DE KERNOGAN: My daughter, I’m so sorry for everything. This
is all my fault
YVONNE: No argument here.
DE KERNOGAN: The only thing I can do now is to die so that you’ll
be all alone in a country full of your enemies.
YVONNE: Wait what?
DE KERNOGAN: You remember how
I pretended I was deathly ill to lure you away from your husband?
YVONNE: How can I forget?
DE KERNOGAN: Well turns out I am deathly ill. Sorry about the whole kidnapping you. *dies*
YVONNE: Ugh even in death you are the worst dad ever.
CHAUVELIN: Our evil plan has worked so far. Now just to sit
and wait for the Scarlet Pimpernel to inevitably show up to save the damsel in
distress.
THE SCARLET PIMPERNEL IN DISGUISE: Is that so?
CHAUVELIN: Yeah.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL IN DISGUISE: But you’re way too smart to be fooled by
any of his disguises at this point, right?
CHAUVELIN: Right.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL IN DISGUISE: And that girl’s locked up tight.
CHAUVELIN: Yep. See that little tiny window up there?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL IN DISGUISE: Yeah?
CHAUVELIN: That’s the only way in or out of where she’s
locked up.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL IN DISGUISE: Wow. Thanks for letting me know.
CHAUVELIN: No problem. Wait, who are you?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL IN DISGUISE: Paul Friche. One of your most loyal
revolutionary buddies.
CHAUVELIN: Oh, right. I forgot.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL IN DISGUISE: Well unfortunately I have some…stuff to
do. See you ‘round.
CHAUVELIN: Have a good one, Paul.
PIERRE: Who was that?
CHAUVELIN: Oh some guy named Paul.
PIERRE: Not Paul Friche?
CHAUVELIN: The very same.
PIERRE: Um, not exactly the very same, because Paul Friche was just found with a
concussion. Whoever that was, he was an imposter!
CHAUVELIN: le
gasp! It was the Scarlet Pimpernel!
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Hey Chauvelin, thanks for pointing out
that window!
CHAUVELIN: What?! How’d you get through that tiny opening!?
PIERRE: Bigger question, how’d he fit Yvonne through that
tiny opening?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: At least she conveniently fainted. Now I
can carry her around like a sack of potatoes.
YVONNE: *Sigh* For
being the titular character I sure spend the majority of this book unconscious.
CHAUVELIN: No! You won’t escape me again! I’ll blockade the
entire city!
PIERRE: I thought you knew who he was! How come you didn’t
recognize him?
CHAUVELIN: What part of “master of disguise vigilante hero”
do you not understand?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL DRESSED UP AS GOVERNOR CARRIER: Hey guys I heard
you failed to capture the Scarlet Pimpernel?
CHAUVELIN: Um, ah, not yet, sir.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL DRESSED UP AS GOVERNOR CARRIER: Well I and my
creepy youthful sidekick guy are going for a drive in my carriage.
YVONNE DRESSED UP AS LALOUET: Let’s hope this carriage ride
doesn’t follow the unlucky trend of my other carriage rides in this book.
PIERRE: Have a nice ride, guys!
THE REAL LALOUET: Stop! Thieves! Imposters!
PIERRE: Wait who are you? Oh, never mind. We recognize your
creepiness.
LALOUET: Someone just stole Carrier’s carriage! And stole
our identities!
PIERRE: What? So we were fooled by the Scarlet Pimpernel’s
disguises TWICE?
LALOUET: It would appear so.
PIERRE: Well at least we now know your role in the book; so that you and Carrier could be impersonated by the Scarlet Pimpernel and Yvonne during their escape.
LALOUET: You are so in trouble, Pierre Adet. I wouldn’t be
surprised if Carrier has you killed.
PIERRE: What? It wasn’t my fault! Chauvelin’s the one who
is supposed to be this expert on the Scarlet Pimpernel. He even knows the man’s
real identity, don’t you, Chauvelin? Chauvelin? Where’d he go?
LALOUET: Obviously he’s skipping town. He who fails and
runs away lives to be in another sequel another day. As for you, though…you are
a one-off villain….
YVONNE: So here we are, on the Scarlet Pimpernel’s boat, on
the way back to jolly old England to safety and goodness and happy endings!
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Yep. That’s pretty much how all my books
end.
YVONNE: But where is my husband, Sir Tony?
LORD TONY: Here I am!
YVONNE: Darling! Wait, where have you been? Why didn’t you
come to rescue me? It would have been a lot more appropriate for me to be slung
across your shoulders!
LORD TONY: I had to take your dad’s body to be buried by
Jean-Pierre.
YVONNE: Really? I’d already forgotten he died.
LORD TONY: Well, that’s what a dutiful son-in-law does when
the man who tried to foil his marriage and then kidnaps his wife to force her
into bigamy and then put her in danger of being killed does, right?
YVONNE: Wow, you really have the purest most innocent soul.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: That, and I told him to do it.
YVONNE: So romantic.
LORD TONY: Let’s end with a shot of us smooching while
backlit against a sunset.
YVONNE: Sounds good to me!
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: I’ll just stand here awkwardly wishing I
were somewhere else.
The End
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