Thursday, August 17, 2017

Emmuska Orczy's Lord Tony's Wife - A Parody - Part 2

Last week we left our heroes, Lord Tony (friend and sidekick to the Scarlet Pimpernel himself) and French aristocrat Yvonne de Kernogan in oblivious marital bliss. But Yvonne's British-hating father is intent on having the marriage declared null and void, and marry her off to the rich Frenchman Martin-Roget. Unbeknownst everyone, Martin-Roget is actually Pierre Adet, a Revolutionary who has sworn revenge against the de Kernogans because of the unjust death of his father....

Scene 6
DE KERNOGAN: Oh my daughter how I’ve missed you!
YVONNE: Dad? Are you feeling okay? You’re looking all sentimental and suspiciously not furious with me for marrying an Englishman against your will. Also, how can you have missed me? It’s only been like 16 hours since I eloped.
DE KERNOGAN: How can you say such hurtful things about your loving papa? You know I’ve always had your best interest at heart.
YVONNE: So what was all that “You’d better marry Martin-Roget or else!” stuff?
DE KERNOGAN: I only wanted you to marry Martin-Roget because he was rich and handsome and French and awesome (although those last two things are so alike it’s redundant). If I’d known you already had a boyfriend I would have supported your decision.
YVONNE: I told you I was in love with Lord Tony! And us getting married should be no surprise to you. After all, look at the title of this book! I’m Lord Tony’s Wife!
DE KERNOGAN: Still, there was no need to keep this a secret from your old man, to get married in the middle of the night rather than in pomp and circumstance! I didn’t even get to give you away at the altar!
YVONNE: Well Dad I guess I’ve completely misjudged you on account of you acting like a controlling jerk all my life. I’m so sorry! Here, stay with us for awhile and completely ruin our honeymoon.
TONY: I told you we should have gone to Niagara Falls.
DE KERNOGAN: Okay, you’ve talked me into it. But just so you know, *coughcough* I’m not feeling all that good. You know how frail and sickly your poor elderly father is, and how close to death…you know what I think I want to go home and die in my own bed.
YVONNE: Oh no!
DE KERNOGAN: Don’t you worry about me. *coughcough* Weak and helpless as I am, I can make it home on my own…probably.
YVONNE: Father you can’t go alone! Tony, is it okay if I escort my father home?
TONY: Sure! What can go wrong?

Scene 7
PIERRE: Well hello there!
YVONNE: Martin-Roget? What are you doing here?
DE KERNOGAN: You’re going to marry him, my ungrateful daughter.
YVONNE: Ummm Dad, are you senile as well as sick? I’m already married.
PIERRE: Details, details.
DE KERNOGAN: Ha ha, foolish girl, I’m not sick! I was only pretending. You’ve been conned! And now we’re going to go back to France and force you to commit bigamy against your will like civilized people.
YVONNE: *jumps out of moving carriage and tries to run away*
PIERRE: That would have looked a lot more epic if she weren’t wearing a gown with six-foot-wide skirts. *grabs her and pulls her back into the carriage*
DE KERNOGAN: You can’t even run away decently. I am so ashamed of you.
YVONNE: I’m gonna just pretend to be unconscious now and hope that this is all a dream.
PIERRE: You do that. Meanwhile we’ll get on board this ship to go back to Nantes.
YVONNE: I will never be on this ship!
PIERRE: I didn’t mean ship ship. I meant ship as in boat.
YVONNE: Oh alright that’s different then.
DE KERNOGAN: I know you’re all mad and pouty now, Yvonne, but believe me, father knows best. You’ll thank me later. Isn’t that right, Martin-Roget.
PIERRE: Yeahhhh about that…I was going to wait to surprise you until after the wedding, but I can’t keep the secret any longer. Voila! I am Pierre Adet, the son of the innocent miller you killed!
YVONNE: le gasp! You’re the creep who attacked me in the carriage before! Wow, I really have bad luck with carriages. From now on I’m taking the bus.
PIERRE: Yes, it is I! And this time, there will be no escape for you. I’ve got you, my pretty, and your little dad, too!
DE KERNOGAN: But but Martin-Roget! Buddy! Pal! You can’t be evil! You’re French!
PIERRE: Can’t you get it through your thick aristocrat head? Martin-Roget was just an alias to gain your trust so you would help me con your daughter into marrying me in order to have my ultimate vengeance for the unjust killing of my father! By the way, Yvonne, that offer’s still on the table.
YVONNE: By the way, Pierre, I’m still married.
PIERRE: Curses! My evil scheme is foiled!
CHAUVELIN: Good, now I can have a turn.
PIERRE: Ugh you’re still harping on that Scarlet Pimpernel thing?
CHAUVELIN: Within a day of you and I openly discussing your evil plan to marry the de Kernogan girl, she up and elopes. Coincidence? I think not! This can only mean that she has connections to the Scarlet Pimpernel which make her excellent bait. Yes, my archenemy will try to rescue her, and get himself trapped for his trouble!
PIERRE: Hey, I have an idea. Let’s have my sister keep these two captive, and then keep a watch for this so-called Scarlet Pimpernel to arrive.
CHAUVELIN: Now you’re talking!
PIERRE: And then as soon as I can get the governor of Nantes, the evil despot Carrier, to agree to help me.
CARRIER: Hi there.
PIERRE: Ah, um, and by “evil despot” I mean wise and charismatic leader, of course.
CARRIER: Of course. Hey, are these two captives of yours aristos? If so, how come you haven’t thrown them in the river?
PIERRE: Because I have this overly complicated plot of revenge against them.
CARRIER: If you really want revenge against them, how come you haven’t just shot them or something simple? You’re wasting valuable taxpayer livres.
PIERRE: Um, because I was going to forcibly marry the girl here?
CHAUVELIN: I tried to tell him how dumb that was—
CARRIER: Shut up, Chauvelin, nobody likes you. That is an awesome idea, Pierre. You know how I like to force people to marry each other. Mostly before I drown them. It’s a gruesome but possibly made up historical anecdote. Don’t Wikipedia it.
PIERRE: What’s Wikipedia?
CARRIER: My point is, if you have the chance to marry a blue blood, do it! Nothing helps bring legitimacy to a revolution than forcibly marrying into nobility!
CHAUVELIN: This makes no sense.
CARRIER: Chauvelin if you say another word I will put you on the next boat down to the bottom of the river.
YVONNE: It doesn’t matter, because even if I wasn’t already married—which I am, by the way—I wouldn’t marry this cretin.
CARRIER: Pierre, for some reason I’m giving you 24 hours to convince her otherwise.
PIERRE: Do you hear that? If you marry me I’ll let you and your father live and your father is free to go.
YVONNE: Since my father is the reason I’m in this situation, and since I would still be held captive by you, this doesn’t seem like an enticing option.
PIERRE: Fine! Don’t marry me! Not only will you die tomorrow, I’m also going to take your dad away and put him in a dungeon somewhere where you won’t be able to see him!
YVONNE: Again, since my dad conned me into leaving the safety of my husband’s super awesome mansion and allowed you to take me captive, separating us is not really a punishment. In fact, I hope he conveniently dies before my husband inevitably rescues me! This is just like that fake period movie they make in Singin’ in the Rain.
PIERRE: No! No! No!
YVONNE: Yes yes yes! Except in that instance the sweetheart’s name was “Pierre” instead of Tony. But that wouldn’t be appropriate in this particular circumstance.
PIERRE: That’s it! My sister Louise who happens to hate you just as much as I do and also happens to be really good at guarding captive aristos is going to hold you captive until you agree to become her sister-in-law.
LOUISE: I hate you all.

Scene 8
CARRIER: Now that your archenemy slash girlfriend is gone, I hope you’ve got some intricate and ingenious plan that you didn’t want to say in front of them.
PIERRE: But of course! In a short while I will have her go to the local den of iniquity which happens to be really close to my sister’s house for completely unrelated reasons. Yvonne will think she’s being rescued, but really she’s being set up. Carrier will have his goons raid the place on account of it being a den of iniquity and therefore illegal—we Revolutionaries have high moral standards—and so she’ll be found and arrested and tried for evil living! HAha! My revenge will be complete.
CHAUVELIN: That’s an even worse plan than making her get married to you.
PIERRE: Didn’t Carrier tell you to be quiet?
CARRIER: True but in this case he’s right. Your plan stinks.
PIERRE: Does it? Because when she’s found guilty she’ll be sentenced to death—our Revolutionary punishments for being found in dens of iniquity are very strict. Finally my revenge will be complete~
CHAUVELIN: You already said that. And why don’t you just shoot her or poison her and get it over with? It’s not like anyone would notice or care. You could throw her in the river with the other dead bodies.
PIERRE: You’re such a buzzkill. Don’t you want to give the Scarlet Pimpernel a chance to try to save her and therefore be trapped at last?
CHAUVELIN: Now you’re talking! You know, if you wanted to go in disguise as the Pimpernel himself, I bet Yvonne would be completely fooled and follow you to the Rat Mort!
CARRIER: And if either of you fail, I will personally see to it that you pay for your bungling.
LALOUET: Yeah! The Scarlet Pimpernel’s gotta go down! And if he doesn’t, you guys are going down! Down to the bottom of the river!
PIERRE: Wait, who are you?
CHAUVELIN: Carrier’s creepy boy sidekick.
PIERRE: Why is he even here?
CHAUVELIN: Weren’t you listening? He’s upping the creep factor.
PIERRE: True. He is giving me teenage Emperor Nero vibes. But aside from adding some real historical evilness to this plot, I’m not sure why he or Carrier are here.
CHAUVELIN: They’re here to give us an incentive to succeed. Which I didn’t need. Because while their role in the plot is hazy, my role has never been more straightforward: to capture the Scarlet Pimpernel once and for all!

Scene 9
YVONNE: Oh Sir Tony, I’ve been your wife almost all this book but we’ve hardly had any scenes together. Nevertheless how I miss you! I was so sure you would rescue me somehow, but now it’s been like a week and I’m starting to doubt you noticed I’ve been kidnapped to begin with!
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Fear not, my lady! I, a complete stranger who is speaking English with a French accent, am here to take you to freedom!
YVONNE: You seem really familiar. Oh well, you’re probably one of Tony’s many French-accented British friends who is here to take me to him, right?
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Errrr yes. Exactly. You have many friends. I will take you to them. But you have to promise you won’t question where I take you even if it is into a murderous den of iniquity, okay?
YVONNE: Sure! That totally seems like something my husband would do when rescuing me!
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Let’s go! You are super brave.
YVONNE: It’s a good thing you didn’t see me five minutes ago. I keep fainting whenever the plot finds it more convenient for me to be carried around like a sack of potatoes rather than walk on my own.
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Here we are, brothel sweet brothel.
YVONNE: Eewwwwww
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: You said you wouldn’t question me!
YVONNE: I wasn’t questioning you. I was judging you. The air in here is practically toxic with sin and evilness!
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Yep. And this is where I leave you.
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: See? Questioning me again!
YVONNE: It just seems like my husband would have figured out a better and less dangerous way of rescuing me.
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: Maybe he planned this to be dangerous and creepy because it’s exactly the opposite sort of place you’d ever go to and therefore the last place anybody will look.
YVONNE: I didn’t think of that.
PIERRE IN DISGUISE: And that is why you are the damsel in distress in this book. See ya!
MOB PEOPLE: Look at her! She’s obviously an aristo!
YVONNE: Um no I’m not. Look, I’m half starved, I have bags under my eyes from crying and not sleeping and being stressed out, and also I’m covered in mud from that time I jumped out of a moving carriage.
MOB PEOPLE: Nope, definitely a noble lady. Let’s turn her in for some reward!
PIERRE: Hahaha this is great!
MOB PEOPLE: Wait, maybe this is a trap. Instead of acting as an organized group and getting this aristo girl arrested, let’s have a barroom brawl amongst ourselves due to paranoia about whether we’re being watched by the Revolutionary government!
YVONNE: You do that. I’m just going to hide in this stairwell….
DE KERNOGAN: It’s a trap! Run, daughter!
PIERRE: Too late I locked you in. Can’t have you accidentally shivved by a random mob person when my elaborate plans dictate you must drown!
YVONNE: But what about my husband’s friend?
PIERRE: And the Oscar goes to…moi! Moihahahaha!
DE KERNOGAN: My daughter, I’m so sorry for everything. This is all my fault
YVONNE: No argument here.
DE KERNOGAN: The only thing I can do now is die so that you’ll be all alone in a country full of your enemies.
YVONNE: Wait what?
DE KERNOGAN: You remember how I pretended I was deathly ill to lure you away from your husband?
YVONNE: How can I forget?
DE KERNOGAN: Well turns out I am deathly ill. Sorry about the whole kidnapping you. *dies*
YVONNE: Ugh even in death you are the worst dad ever.

Scene 10
CHAUVELIN: Our evil plan has worked so far. Now just to sit and wait for the Scarlet Pimpernel to inevitably show up to save the damsel in distress.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: But you’re way too smart to be fooled by any of his disguises at this point, right?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: And that girl’s locked up tight.
CHAUVELIN: Yep. See that little tiny window up there?
CHAUVELIN: That’s the only way in or out of where she’s locked up.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Wow. Thanks for letting me know.
CHAUVELIN: No problem. Wait, who are you?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Paul Friche. One of your most loyal revolutionary buddies.
CHAUVELIN: Oh, right. I forgot.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Well unfortunately I have some…stuff to do. See you ‘round.
CHAUVELIN: Have a good one, Paul.
PIERRE: Who was that?
CHAUVELIN: Oh some guy named Paul.
PIERRE: Not Paul Friche?
CHAUVELIN: The very same.
PIERRE: Um not exactly the very same. Because Paul Friche was just found with a concussion. So whoever that was, he was an imposter!
CHAUVELIN: le gasp! It was the Scarlet Pimpernel!
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Hey Chauvelin, thanks for pointing out that window!
CHAUVELIN: What?! How’d you get through that tiny opening!?
PIERRE: Bigger question, how’d he fit Yvonne through that tiny opening?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: At least she conveniently fainted. Now I can carry her around like a sack of potatoes.
YVONNE: *Sigh* For being the titular character I sure spend the majority of this book unconscious.
CHAUVELIN: No! You won’t escape me again! I’ll blockade the entire city!
PIERRE: I thought you knew who he was! How come you didn’t recognize him?
CHAUVELIN: What part of “master of disguise vigilante hero” do you not get?
SCARLET PIMPERNEL DRESSED UP AS CARRIER: Hey guys I heard you failed to capture the Scarlet Pimpernel?
CHAUVELIN: Um, ah, not yet, sir.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL DRESSED UP AS CARRIER: Well me and my creepy youthful sidekick guy are going for a drive in my carriage.
YVONNE DRESSED UP AS LALOUET: Let’s hope this carriage ride doesn’t follow the unlucky trend of my other carriage rides in this book.
PIERRE: Have a nice ride, guys!
THE REAL LALOUET: Stop! Thieves! Imposters!
PIERRE: Wait who are you? Oh, never mind. We recognize your creepiness.
LALOUET: Someone just stole Carrier’s carriage! And stole our identities!
PIERRE: What? So we were fooled by the Scarlet Pimpernel’s disguises TWICE?
LALOUET: It would appear so.
PIERRE: Well at least we now know your role in the book; so that you and Carrier could be impersonated by the Scarlet Pimpernel and Yvonne during their escape.
LALOUET: You are so in trouble, Pierre Adet. I wouldn’t be surprised if Carrier has you killed.
PIERRE: What? It wasn’t my fault! Chauvelin’s the one who is supposed to be this expert in the Scarlet Pimpernel. He even knows the man’s real identity, don’t you, Chauvelin? Chauvelin? Where’d he go?
LALOUET: Obviously he’s skipping town. He who fails and runs away lives to be in another sequel another day. As for you, though…you are a one-off villain….

Scene 11 
YVONNE: So here we are, on the Scarlet Pimpernel’s boat, on the way back to jolly old England to safety and goodness and happy endings!
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: Yep. That’s pretty much how all my books end.
YVONNE: But where is my husband, Sir Tony?
TONY: Here I am!
YVONNE: Darling! Wait, where have you been? Why didn’t you come rescue me? It would have been a lot more appropriate for me to be slung across your shoulders!
TONY: I had to take your dad’s body to be buried by Jean-Pierre.
YVONNE: Really? I’d already forgotten he died.
SIR TONY: Well, that’s what a dutiful son-in-law does when the man who tried to foil his marriage and then kidnaps his wife to force her into bigamy and then put her in danger of being killed does, right?
YVONNE: Wow, you really have the purest most innocent soul.
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: That, and I told him to do it.
YVONNE: So romantic.
SIR TONY: Let’s end with a shot of us smooching while backlit against a sunset.
YVONNE: Sounds good to me!
SCARLET PIMPERNEL: I’ll just stand here awkwardly wishing I were somewhere else.

The End

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