How to Survive if You're in a Mystery Novel

How to Survive if You’re a Character in a Sherlock Holmes Adventure:

1.      Hire Sherlock Holmes. 

2.      OR hire Scotland Yard. They will then go to Sherlock Holmes.

3.      Hide in the Diogenes Club until case is solved.

 

How to Survive if You’re a Character in an Agatha Christie Murder Mystery:*

·        Be the detective. A professional detective. Not one of those, “Oh I think I can figure this out” side characters. Those amateurs usually get a letter opener at the base of their skull because they think they can privately question the murderer without repercussions. This is not some sort of freakish form of entertainment, people! Stop treating it as such!

·        Be a policeman. Most policemen in Christie take statements and collect their scene-of-the-crime evidence, then spend the rest of the book in their offices having conversations amongst themselves as a form of exposition of the plot so far for those readers not paying attention.

·        Be a love interest. This can get tricky though, since you’re not safe if you’re a) married or b) engaged at the beginning of the book. In order to almost certainly survive you must fall in love during the course of the investigation. Forget that romance in the face of murder, lies, and impending death of others surrounds you.  Disregard the possibility that your love interest could very well be the culprit. As long as you follow these you almost certainly will survive to end up engaged or at least leaving the reader without doubt that a long and happy marriage is imminent.

·        Don’t be the murderer. Yeah, seems counter-intuitive, doesn’t it? Being the murderer should keep you from being murdered yourself, since you start out on the offensive, as it were. But then some old biddy with knitting needles, or a weirdo egg-headed Belgian, will find you out and then the policemen will pour out of their office and come for you, and you know that means the noose. 

*We cannot guarantee that these measures are 100% accurate. Let’s face it: Christie cheats.

How to Survive if You’re a Character in a Nero Wolfe Mystery:

1.      Don’t hire Nero Wolfe.

2.      Move out of New York City.

3.      Enjoy your life.

How to Survive if You're a character in a Dashiell Hammett or Raymond Chandler Mystery:

1.      Accept that you’re pretty much toast. 

2.      Try to do some of the things on your bucket list before someone rubs you out.

3.      If by some odd fluke you DO survive, try to move to another genre. Maybe a nice copy of Cat in the Hat.