No, It’s Mine: Why You Should Never Loan a Book to Anyone Ever Ever Ever

Everything comes to him who waits, except a loaned book. 

~ McKinney Hubbard

A quandary of ideals is presented to anyone who loves books: such a bibliophile collects and cares for their library, but also wants to share their love of reading with their less literary-minded friends. Unfortunately to these less literary-minded friends, books are just wads of paper and not prized first editions.

The problem is this: that borrowed books are usually returned in worse condition than when they were first lent out. (Or, they’re returned in exactly the same condition, but then you find out the borrower didn’t ever get around to reading the book, which is a tragedy meriting its own blog post entirely.) Personally, the few books I have loaned out to people have only been returned slightly scathed: the hardcovers a little dinged up on the corner, maybe the gilt edging a little worn, but otherwise almost as good as when I lent them. 

Not everyone, however, has been as lucky as I: Edwin Arlington Robinson once called friends “people who borrow my books and set wet glasses on them.” As a public library employee, I can tell you that hard as it is to believe that someone would commit such a travesty, but it’s true. Coffee rings are the most common offenders, but thanks to library-regulation mylar (you know, that plastic layer over the dust jacket?) these rings are for the most part temporary. For some reason people feel the need to eat and read at the same time. I have found spaghetti stains INSIDE books. Ugh. And other things whose origins I dared not speculate upon. 

However, one could argue that a public library is different because “they knew the risks.” Lending a personal book to a friend is a completely different matter. Usually book-borrowing happens in one of two ways:

Scenario One: You are talking about books with a close friend:

1. The title of a book you own comes up, and
2. You mention that you own it. This was the defining mistake of such a scenario, because THEN
3. Your friend says, “Oh, could I borrow it?”
4. Now you have a veritable Sophie’s Choice to make. Do you show generosity to  your friend, or do you protect your books against their sticky mitts?
5. You lend out the book. Silly you.

Scenario Two: You invite a close friend into your home:

1. As part of the grand tour, you show off your sizeable collection of books.
2. You smile proudly as your friend inspects the shelves, casually commenting on books (“Ooo, that was a good one!” “Oh good, you have that!” “I almost got this one for you for Christmas, good thing I didn’t because you have a better copy.”)
3. Then they mention “Oh, I haven’t read this.” Or even worse, they get all quiet.
4. They pull a book from the shelf! ohdearohdearohdear what is going on!?
5. They ask if they can borrow it.
6. Now you have to let them borrow it, or risk infringing upon the Rules of Hospitality.

Now you’re in for it. There are any number of terrible things your friend the human could do to your other friend the book, including but not limited to:

• As mentioned above, using it as a coaster or eating while reading
• Propping the book open to their page by setting it open and face-down
• Propping their door open with it
• Stabilizing a wobbly table
• Writing in it. Or even worse, allowing their toddler to use it as a coloring book. With Sharpie.
• Pressing flowers in it
• Leaving it on the floor of their car. This is particularly bad in the winter or rainy weather where wet shoes might tread on it (another common desecration at the library is book covers with boot prints).
• Letting the dog (or teething infant) near it.
• Or they forget to return it. Often these people will put your book on their shelves and think it’s theirs! The horror! (The only recourse for this situation is wheedling an invite from them and then asking to borrow…your book.)

Hard-covered books break up friendships. You lend a hard-covered book to a friend and when he doesn’t return it, you get mad at him.  It makes you mean and petty. But 25-cent books are different. 

~ John Steinbeck

So what can you do? There are certain steps to either avoid or minimize damage:

1. Stop having friends.

What? You want to have your cake and eat it, too? (And by that I mean have friends and books too; hopefully cake is also involved, but I should also hope that you would not be eating it while reading your book).

1. Choose your friends more carefully. Have candidates fill out a “book care questionnaire,” which really is akin to a prenup. 
2. Abstain from talking about books that you own and don’t want to lend to them.  I know it's hard. But hold it in.
3. Hide your books behind a “Wizard of Oz” style curtain when friends come over.  (Actually, book care manuals suggest this even if you don’t have company because it will protect books from fading in direct sunlight. But I digress.)
4. Have a “lending copy” of a book. As Steinbeck suggests, cheaper books are easier to lend out and forgive the person for all the terrible things they do to it. 
5. To keep borrowers from the worst crime of forgetting that this book is in fact borrowed and not their personal property, write your name in the book (not in pencil. Some people might “accidentally” erase pencil and replace it with their own name.) or use book-plates. 
6. If you write your name in the book, you might also want to include the additional preventative measure of cursing the book, like the curse below:

Curse on Book Thieves

For him that stealeth, or borroweth and returneth not, this book from its owner, let it change into a serpent in his hand and rend him.

Let him be struck with palsy, and all his members blasted.

Let him languish in pain, crying aloud for mercy, and let there be no surcease to this agony till he sing in dissolution.

Let bookworms gnaw his entrails…and when at last he goeth to his last punishment, let the flames of hell consume him for ever.

~ San Pedro Monastery, Barcelona, Spain

If you ask me, this is only reasonable.